From Pet Peeves to Sheer Entertainment

I worked at the Deuce last night, and during the shift I noticed that for some reason we were getting a lot of first time guests. I'm not talking first time to the Deep Deuce Grill; I'm talking first time to a bar/restaurant in general. When you go to an establishment, such as ours, and you have the intentions of ordering yourself a drink, generally, you have an idea of what genre of drink you are going to order. People who have never experienced the bar scene, ask questions that bar tenders dread answering; "What do you have to drink?" or "What do you think I would like to drink?" This question will probably get you one of two things at a bar: (1) crappy service or (2) a crappy drink. In the same category, if you ask your waiter or waitress, "What would I like to eat?" most likely, you are going to get bad service or bad food. I've recently gone past the curve of getting annoyed and started looking forward to these questions.

Keep in mind that when you ask these questions, the bartender has never met you nor has he ever gone out with you for drinks, so he has no clue about your taste in alcohol. You should see the stupidity in asking someone who has never met you about your personal interests. This is where it gets fun. I really don't care anymore if people enjoy their experience at the Deep Deuce; just as long as I'm having fun. Typically, the annoyed response to this question is "Beer, liquor, wine... what'll it be?" or they will have to start probing you for information about yourself to meet your needs. Not me. I've started answering these questions in two different ways.

If it's a dude who is so indecisive about what he wants to drink that he has to ask the bartender for help, I get him an Appletini. The Appletini is one of the girliest drinks offered at a bar. It comes in a martini glass and has a neon green tint to it. There is absolutely no way that he can ever obtain a cool appearance while holding this drink, but he is forced to drink it because it cost about $10 a drink. Even better, you can't just down it in one gulp because it is a very, very strong drink and will burn your throat, so you have to sip it. This means that it'll take a while to get through one glass, and he's going to be looking very feminine for a long time.

If it's a woman, I serve her a Hurricane. You're probably thinking to yourself, what's in a Hurricane. Good question because 90% of bartenders don't know either. I have no clue what's in a Hurricane. It's our chance to just stand behind the bar and pour anything and everything into a glass. The trick is being able to turn it pink or red so that she thinks its a girly drink. It really doesn't matter what it tastes like because people who have to ask what they would like to drink already know that all alcohol tastes like diesel, and they're not going to like whatever you give them anyways.


I love my job.