Let Me Explain

(I know this is long. I've been writing this post all day so I don't expect you to read it all at one time; or even read it at all. This is mostly an explanation for myself. Things that I want to get off my chest and put in writing so that I can look back later and know what was going through my head at this point in my life. Whether you read it all or not, its not important.)

I took a couple of weeks off from blogging because I needed a break. I was running out of ideas, I was busy with work, and I was tired of being transparent when all I wanted to do was hide. This summer was tough on me. It wasn't physically tough unless you consider going out of town every weekend tough, but I thought that part was pretty fun. It's all the other things that were tough on me; the things I was trying to hide from or just plain ignore. Let me explain:

My game plan for this summer was to take time to get closer to God. That did not happen. Actually, the exact opposite happened. To be brutally honest, I knew it was going to happen; you could even say that some sick part of me wanted it to happen. I know that sounds slightly sadistic to any normal Christian. However, if you know me in the slightest, then you know I haven't ever claimed to be normal in any aspect of my life. At the beginning of the summer, there were a few changes that threw my world off balance. Let me explain:

A couple of weeks ago, we had a small group discussion about the pillars of your Christianity, and one of the pillars was earthly relationships you form that are pivotal in your relationship with Christ. Thinking about this, there are three recent relationships that stick out the most to me. Doug, Bonnie, and Dave. Doug was the college pastor that I've been assisting over the past 2 years. At the beginning of summer, Doug found out that he was going to take a different job at a different church in a different town, and he would be leaving the OKC area. There should be no explanation needed about what happened with the Bonnie relationship at the beginning of the summer. And lastly, Dave went to work at a camp for the entire summer. This left me in an awkward position. Let me explain:

For the first time in my life, I was going to be alone. Absolutely and completely alone. After about 2 days of solitaire, I came to a realization. I can't be alone. I am not one of those people who enjoy their own company. I actually (along with many others) find myself to be quite annoying. Anyways, this is when I canned the idea that I was going to stay by myself this summer. I started leaving every weekend and finding new friends for the weekdays; pretty much, doing anything that involved a social scene. With all if my socializing, this put God on the back shelf. Exactly where I wanted Him. Let me explain:

In all three of my pillar relationships, I felt like it was expected of me to be a "good" Christian. More than that, I felt like it was my responsibility to be close to God. It felt like I had to give off this morally, Christian persona, or else, someone was going to be disappointed in me. Again, I am just saying how I felt, I know that this was not actually expected of me by any of these three. I also know that they would probably scold me for not telling them that this is what I was thinking. All the same, I felt like I was getting closer to God more because they were wanting me to and less because I was wanting to. This is the part that bible scholars would frown on; I decided to push God away. Let me explain:

I was telling a friend that I wanted to get to a point where I was so broken that all there was left to do was turn to God; on my own accord. I wanted to come back to God in complete surrender, knowing that there was no where else to turn, knowing that I was coming to Him because I wanted Him and not because I felt pressured to come to Him. I wanted to get to a point where I yearned for more Jesus in my life and didn't care if there was room for anything else. I finally hit that point. The other day I broke down. Let me explain:

I finally got to the point where I missed God so much that I was ashamed of how I had been treating Him over the past 3 months. I know that this entire blog is supposed to be an explanation, but there is no explanation for the way that I broke down. At least no earthly explanation. It had to of been all spiritual because I am quite positive there is nothing on this earth moving enough to make me cry, and I had tears rolling down my face. This was my sign. I now want God front and center. I want to eliminate everything that distracts me from His amazing grace.

Grace. Again, I am so undeserving, and it's ridiculous how He offers it so freely. It's unexplainable.