My Eye Beaver

You probably can't tell, but on the surface, I'm not a real emotional person. You wouldn't know this from my writing because I'm kind of a pansy when I write, but I get some kind of emotional release from blogging or journaling. A lot of people criticise me for blogging, but I think it's good for me; almost therapeutic. When I write, it's about the only way you could ever really tell what kind of mood I'm in. When I'm around people, I can fake a happy persona, but it's hard for me to write about merry and jolly things when I'm not feeling up to it.

I don't really let my feelings show unless I'm happy. Actually, it's abnormal if you see me with something other than a blissful attitude. I often claim that it's the only emotion that I'm capable of having, but that isn't true; it's just the only emotion I ever show. If I'm ever feeling anything other than happiness, you generally won't know because I always have a smile on no matter what inner turmoils I may be going through. However, I do get silent when I'm too tired to put up a front.

And then, there are the emotions that I dread. I call these the relational hazards. Almost every girl I've dated has mentioned something about my lack of emotions. I can't really get romantic or apologetic or jealous or smitten or regretful or embarrassed or whatever other emotions a relational roller coaster is supposed to take you through. The worst is trying to act surprised. I know that I'm supposed to make some kind of gesture that shows how shocked I am, but my efforts aren't always convincing. Although, one good thing about this is that I don't ever get mad.

On top of everything, I don't cry. Ever. Does this make me cold? I don't think so, but if you ever want me to show you some kind of compassion, don't expect to see tears running down my cheeks. It's not like I hold these feelings off or I fight back tears; they just don't come. If anything, I push for these emotions. I want to cry, but every time I feel moved enough to sob it just stops and goes away. I usually end up going into this coughing, choking mode because I have this lump in my throat but no way to let it out. However, I'm the king of the lip-quiver. If I ever start to open up about something really moving in front of a crowd, you can bet on my lip shaking. But no tears. I've tried to get them to roll, but it's like a tiny eye beaver built up a dam in my tear ducts. Is that a medical term; Eye Beavers?

Anyways, I do hope that some day all this will change. Maybe, it'll take some catastrophic event like having a baby or getting married to break the dam and open the flood gates to my emotions. Personally, I don't see either of those happening anytime soon.... Hopefully, not anytime soon.